Why Make It Easy?

Now kids can I have your attention please? Let’s gather around the campfire and grill marshmallows while Uncle Matt tells you a story about handling shit tests.

Shit tests —pardon my French— are also called frame tests if you don’t want to use poo words when the children are around. It happens when a girl pokes at your armour to check if it is solid. Guys are expected to be strong and stable and women automatically check for that more or less consciously. When I was in my early twenties I couldn’t read those tests and I was taking them personally. Boo-hoo, poor little Matt. Today I actually enjoy them especially when they happen over text.

Sometimes you meet a girl during the day and the conversation goes well. You and her just click. You agree to meet later, exchange details, arrange a date and everything goes smoothly. Other times, agreeing on a date turns out to be impossible because she keeps pushing back.

I recently met a pretty Filipina that I approached in the street. Spectacular dress, slim body, even better hips. She was waiting for a taxi with her friends. The conversation was short because the taxi arrived. She quickly punched her number into my phone before jumping in the car with her friends. No opportunity for an instant date.

Since the conversation was so short I thought the number would flake. In the end it didn’t. However, after I sent the first date request she started firing a relentless series of pushbacks. If she really couldn’t be bothered meeting me she could have just stopped texting all together, but she didn’t stop. This was a clear push-pull game.

I reproduced the whatsapp dialogues verbatim to retain the vibe of the conversation. In each one of the text exchanges below there is at least one test. Try and recognise it and tick how many you get right. Ready to play? Here we go!

“Hello miss gangsta tatoo”

“haha hi matt. im not a gansta”

“Prove it! Let’s have a non gansta drink tomorrow. I’m free after work. There is a secret rooftop bar in Somerset, near 313”

“I know that place BUT…… I don’t drink”

“Good, you’ll watch me drink then. How about we meet outside Hotel Jen at 8pm”

Now stop reading, read the dialogue again and try and identify the test.

Found it? Here is the answer: after I suggested meeting up for drinks she pushed back by saying she doesn’t drink. A bland answer from my side would have been, “Don’t worry we will only have soft drinks.” Instead I said, “Good you’ll watch me drink then.”

"I don't drink"

Good, ready for the next one? Some time later she suggested to meet the following day.

“Tomorrow sounds good. But we won’t have croissants for dinner ;)” I started.

“haha… im not free in morning. or day time”

“Dinner is fine with me”

“I prefer meet up in my off day actually. I don’t like going out for just 2 hrs and comeback”

“Let’s meet around 7 tomorrow in Farrer Park and we can try out one of the local places”

“haha that’s far from me”

There is a number of pushbacks in the dialogue above. Notice how my answers completely ignore them. After all she’s the one who suggested the day.

"I’m not free in the morning, I prefer on my off day, it’s too far…"

But hang on! The best ones are still to come.

“anyway… did u remember the other girl with me?” she asks.

“Vaguely. I was distracted by the colour of your dress”

“jesus Christ lol [she inserts a picture of her friend] This girl with me. I think u and her can go along”

“What makes you think I can get along with her?”

“bcoz… u drink and she is too and she told me ur handsome. so I was thinking… u will feel bored wd someone who don’t like to drink”

“I drink chamomile tea, does she as well?”

“bcoz first time u message me u invited me fr a drink”

“Yeah, a coconut water. I don’t drink alcohol, it makes me a bit dull”

“oh ok… I thought u drink. so… are u finding a date, a friend, a company? If u find a date… I will let u date wd mu friend” (by find she meant look for)

“Are you match making? ;) my horoscope told me I should date a girl with a purple dress”

She throws in her friend into the story as a diversion. Here the idea is for me to stay on topic. I approached her therefore I should not go for any girl who happens to be available.

"You should date my friend."

“bcoz u hv a wrong choice darling. I am married and hv a daughter. not fair to you unless ur married too. “

“That’s fine I’m not looking for a wife lol.”

“but im looking for a 2nd husband,” she replies jokingly. Now that’s funny.

“Good idea, someone got to pay the bills ;) But you still didn’t tell me where we can meet for a non-alcoholic drink”

The conversation drifted towards husband/wife topics, which was an opportunity to disable any hint of provider frame.

"I am married."

Let’s do another one.

“later im free 7pm to 10pm lol”

“Great so let’s meet at 7pm, I’ll play crosswords between 6.30 and 7”

“haha… eh! I don’t want to hv date like a kids ok… don’t do any games… or whatever in front of me”

“Like a kid? I’m not booking balloons.”

I’m not actually sure what she meant by “date like kids”. She gave me the feeling she was often wined and dined by white dudes who play the provider card, paying for everything and trying to buy her into bed.

"Don’t do any games."

“what’s the meet up for?”, she asks.

“Me man, You woman”

“so u want to know me?”

“Yes but don’t tell me everything by text, keep some mystery for the conversation”

“later when we see each other im speechless lol”

Again this is a very direct test where the mistake would be to answer something like “I just want to get to know you”.

"What’s the meet up for?"

Eventually we agreed on a time to meet and then… flaaake!

“matt im so sorry. I can’t meet u later. I went outside to hv lunch and I frget to bring the key. can’t go in in house. waiting for my boss.”

“Oh someone is gonna get scolded... Are you in trouble?”

“im not….. bcoz they left in house without telling me they going out.. so I didnt bring key”

I wasn’t sure if it was real or not. She gave a lot of details and kept updating me about the progress of the situation. So I assumed it was real, giving her the benefit of the doubt. Why would she make the whole thing up anyway? Nevertheless, this still counts as a classic test. I can’t come because my dog is depressed. My Grandma is at the hospital. I have to take care of my pregnant friend whose mother passed away after her cat got sick during a cupcake-baking workshop.

I can’t make it because of <random reason>

Wait! There is more.

“I will stay here outside until they come home… I can’t go anywhere.. I don’t money.. I wear slipper and short…. OMG,” she texted.

“Oh this is bad…”

“that’s why… im so sorry. I didn’t expect this. They just come back home. I may end up hving dinner in mcdo later grrr”

I could be wrong but at this point I felt like she was expecting me to step in as a white knight with something around the lines of “tell me where you are and I’ll come and rescue you. Don’t worry I’ll pay for your lunch and buy you clothes my poor little Cinderella.” But instead I replied with a short statement of empathy, still giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t have any money what can I do? (damsel in distress)

The meet-up was cancelled but she happened to be free the following day so we agreed on a date again. This was definitely a push-pull game. At noon I sent a probe text to check if she was still ok but without asking “are you still ok?”

“Morning red lady,” I wrote. “I will see you at 6pm at the taxi stand at 313. Ok with you?”

The bogus logistical adjustment was just a way to check she was not planning on flaking. Can you guess what came next? Really it’s a classic.

“im with my friend later. can I bring her.”

“Nope, it’s a private event just you and me, no chaperone. If you can’t tonight let’s do it another time.”

So the date was cancelled again.

Can I bring a friend?

After this I vacuumed for a few days, i.e. I stopped texting. Then I sent out a few ping texts with pictures of food I cooked, after which I tried to arrange a date again to no avail. One more week of vacuum... One more ping with a pic of a weekend in Bangkok, which she answered. Three more weeks of vacuum… Then a ping with random question about Christmas trees, which she answered. A bit more vacuum…

And eventually on a Saturday night, when I least expected it, she texted.

“let’s hv breakfast tomorrow if ur free and if u want.”

This was the first time she initiated a date request after almost two months of push-pull. I proposed a coffee place in my neighbourhood opening at 11am. Again she tried to steal the frame by counter-proposing.

“11 is too late for breakfast I will be starving to death until that time.”

“Have you tried intermittent fasting?” I replied and then stopped texting, vacuuming again.

"11 is too late for breakfast / too early for dinner / too bright for Christmas." 

Good so let’s summarise our list. I have to be honest with myself: because of the way the interaction started I might have been biased into thinking everything she wrote was a pushback. Maybe she wanted to meet me in a social context and familiar setting for simple safety reasons — in Singapore really? You could argue it was a deadlock situation where we both got stuck in a frame battle. I could have made a few concessions here and there maybe. This resulted in a very lengthy back and forth, not typical of a usual interaction. It was not typical because although each test was textbook they all happened with a single person.

• I don’t drink

• I’m not free

• I am married

• I don’t do games

• What is the meetup for?

• You should date my friend

• I can’t come because my hamster got the Covid flu and my cat caught fire

• I don’t have any money, what can I do?

• Can I bring a friend?

• 11am is too late for breakfast