Floppy Moments

Part 1: It’s the Muesli

Floppy moments often happen the first time I sleep with a girl, which doesn’t give a good impression. For my defence, as soon as comfort sets in, everything works very well. But for some reason the first time is always a bit difficult, rather floppy-disk than solid-state drive.

The reason? Clearly it is the Muesli. Let me explain.

Once I had a first date with a girl I met in London. It was a weekday. She was sitting in Costa playing with a Rubik’s cube. I saw her from outside, walked into the coffee shop, sat in front of her and started joking about the cube. She explained she was training for an interview. “What kind of job requires you to be able to solve a Rubik’s cube?” She replied that in her CV she wrote “Can solve a Rubik’s cube in less than five minutes” under extracurricular activities. So she was training for it in case someone wanted to verify her skills. This was the funniest thing I had ever heard. I liked her instantly.

We decided to meet the following Saturday in the morning for breakfast. Yes, I do breakfast for first dates, so what? No alcohol involved, no comfy sofa. We were simply sitting across one another. That doesn’t mean I can’t use eye-contact, doesn’t mean we can’t touch hands and it doesn’t mean I can’t give her a kiss on my way to the bathroom [Note from Arsene: very classy!].

So that’s exactly what I did, in that exact sequence.

She ordered a salad and I went for the muesli bowl. During my days in London I used to have muesli every weekend for breakfast: it made me feel strangely warm and sleepy, which is perfect for a lazy Saturday morning with friends. We split the bill and left the breakfast place. I said, “Let’s go to my place.” She agreed.

We took the Tube back to my flat, I lead her to my bedroom and pretty soon we were lying on the bed.

What happened next I blame it on the Muesli.

Clothes slowly came off, we got naked, fooled around under the sheets and as she was fully ready: I was not. Nothing worked. I couldn’t get hard. OK let’s wait for thirty minutes, chat and do something else. One hour later: still nothing. Flat line, radio silence, no sign of life on Mars. Intensive Care Unit on high alert. CPR, electro-shock, even burning a candle, chanting a prayer and sacrificing a chicken didn’t help.

“What shall we do?” she asked.

“Let’s get dinner and come back.”

That was a bad idea: we had dinner but she didn’t come back. “I’m telling you baby, it’s not you, it’s the muesli.”

Part 2: Lip Biter

Another unlikely reason is lip biting attack. Sounds weird? Let me explain this one.

Different time, different city but same problem. This time it was in hot Singapore. While shopping in an air-conditioned mall, I was going down the escalator and she was going up: slim body, tight dress. I ran back up the escalator and gave a compliment. Her friend politely walked away and let us talk.

After what felt like five minutes of conversation we agreed to meet up later nearby for a coffee. Since she was with a friend it didn’t make sense to invite her on an instant date right away, better leave her some breathing space and meet later. During our short chat I noticed she was a bit fidgety. I stored her number and carried on shopping.

I remember my mood on that particular day: I was in the middle of a painful slow-motion break-up that had been dragging for a couple of months -more on this in another book. The result: I had the rage to go out and open. Headphones on, walking up the street with Marilyn Manson playing Third Day Of a Seven Day Binge in my headphones.

I saw a beautiful slim girl waiting with her friends at a taxi rank. I slowly walked towards her, smiling to my ears, expecting her to see me coming. Her friends noticed me so she looked at me and I opened with a cheeky grin. She was wearing a very nice purple dress. The conversation was short because the taxi was just about to arrive. Short but long enough for exchanging numbers. She quickly typed hers on my phone and I assumed it would be just random digits. So I offered to sit down later for a coffee nearby, as I did for the previous girl from the escalator. Then she and her friends stepped into the taxi and they left.

Later I sat down in one of those coffee shops that brew coffee with fancy glass devices. I ordered a camomile tea to relax and waited.

Both girls eventually texted. Escalator girl texted first and I suggested to meet up where I was. Taxi girl texted twenty minutes later and I offered to meet up later during the week.

Escalator girl turned up soon and she joined me for tea. The conversation went around her background story, how she came to Singapore from her home country. As in London, most people you meet in Singapore were not born there and have an entire story about how they made it to the Big City. The conversation also rotated a lot around health and nutrition, as we realised we were eating the same kind of food and started exchanging tips.

I suggested we go for food near my place and got into a cab. Again, during the conversation she was somewhat fidgety. We sat down at my favourite local eating place, ordered wine and pasta. Then I suggested we buy a dessert to take away and have it at my flat. She happily followed and we were soon back to mine with a sweet patisserie in a glass jar to share.

I started kissing her at a random point of the conversation in the middle of a sentence. When the kissing got a bit more heated she suggested we go have a shower. She was concerned with being clean before moving to bed -can’t blame her for this. She was the straightforward type: she removed all her clothes in front of me and walked straight into the shower. I followed her and soon we were washing each other’s bodies, which felt nice, no doubt about this. And for me first time discovering a new body in nine months -in the context of a brutal oneitis experience which is the topic of another story.

We dried up, moved to the bed. She was more and more fidgety. It looked like she just couldn’t relax, she kept scratching her arms and wiggling around.

There was a problem with the way she kissed: she was sucking on my lips in a way that was way too passionate. That quickly became too much. She kept working up my mouth very hard, and it started hurting. I got hard for a while and she suggested to reach for a condom. After nine months of having sex in boyfriend/girlfriend mode without condoms during my oneitis phase, the experience of putting one on again was weird. And by the time I got the condom on, my dear little friend had gone soft again. She tried to help me every way she could but her gestures were too brisk and rushed. I kept saying “slow down, slow down” but that annoyed her even more. She was in a I expect you to be rough and ready mood, whereas I was in a more in a let’s take it easy, it’s my first time in nine months mindset.

“You’re not excited you don’t find me sexy.”

“It’s ok it’s often like that the first time with a new person.”

But she was not convinced. She put her clothes back on and five minutes later she left. Is that it? Not even a lie down and a movie? But I was actually happy she left because the atmosphere was getting weird. Also my lips could not take it anymore. More of this and she would have carved a permanent smile on my face, Joker style.

The following day at work I had dark bruises inside my mouth.

This story is taken from "Flops", Chapter 2 of our book "Do You Say That To Every Girl".